I Understand
I understand he had said, his eyes soft on hers, her own eyes drawn to the ground in front of her unable to meet his gaze, fearful of what may happen if they did.
He backed away slowly and cautiously begging the stars for her to ask him to stay, to make a choice in their undeclared ultimatums.
He was asking her to give up Dawson, to drop his selfish hold on her. To give his love a chance.
She looked under the hood of her eyes, he was still there, still backing away, still hopeful.
"Pacey, wait," the words tripped over her tongue before she could swallow them, her voice suddenly foreign.
His lips curved up slightly and he took a step forward wondering if his ears were playing tricks on him, whether her voice was just a sweeping sound carried in the wind and through his memory. "Yeah?"
"I," she looked away again unsure of her intentions. At one point in time words had come so eloquently to her but suddenly they were lost in cryptic meanings that she had yet to comprehend.
Words like lust and love and friendship had become more empty then her wall before her. "I'm sorry," she whispered.
He frowned digging his hands back into his pockets afraid he'd reach out and touch her, the sudden urge that he was constantly plagued with from the first time that he did. "For what?"
The grass swayed at the base of the wall, at least that's all her eyes could see was the constant push and pull of the dry yellow blades, "For everything," she whispered.
He dropped his head chuckling sadly, "Funny," he smiled sadly finally catching her eye, "because I wouldn't change a thing."
"Pace," she pleaded with him, "you know what I mean."
He shook his head, "I do, I know, I'm just," he trailed off, "frustrated that's all."
"I just wish I could take it all back, that things could be the way they were before but I can't and…"
"Things are never going to be the same Jo," he broke in.
She met his eyes again, "I could try."
"I don't think I could do it."
"Do what?"
"I can't go back to be your friend," he sighed heavily, "not when you mean so much more."
Her eyes were hot, heavy with tears desperate to rid of them before the fell, "Please don't do this Pacey."
"Jo I can't be near you anymore without wanting to hold you or kiss you, I can't go back to pretending to just be your friend after all that's happened."
"What do you want then?" She asked her voice thick yet febrile.
"That doesn't matter," he said sadly dropping his head once more his foot digging into the soft dirt of the vacant lot.
Her eyes drifted over him the threatening tears heavier below her lids, "It matters to me," she said softly her voice cracking in the silence.
"Jo the only way things are going to get better is if you embrace the future, if you move forward instead of holding onto the past, because honestly," he pressed his tongue to the inside of his cheek, "the past is nothing more then a smoldering pile of wreckage."
Her eyes stayed on the ground, "I'm not sure how."
He took another step forward allowing himself to reach out to her, tilting her chin with his forefinger he said, "Follow your heart."
Her eyes quivered trying to read him like a book, but she couldn't, she never could. He always challenged her to strive to understand him, to know him so well that she needn't read him, just to simply know.
Her heart leapt, her body tightened and for a moment time stood still. Closing her eyes she felt the warmth of her heart swarm through her veins urging her forward as her lips found his delicately.
He was taken aback frozen by the warmth of her mouth on his almost uncertain of how to respond. His arms wrapped carefully around her waist guiding her to him as he sucked her lower lip between his lip releasing it briefly.
His hot breath beat against her face in soft pulses, his eyes scanning her face, her lids still fluttering shut, her lips parted for him, waiting for him to return her gesture. Dipping his face he captured her lips again sweeping his tongue into her delicious cavern, the sweet taste all he had imagined the last few weeks.
She snaked her hands around his neck the soft pads of her fingertips grasping desperately to him as if he were simply a fantasy. She sighed softly into his mouth her body suddenly useless as it melted below his touch.
He pushed her forward pressing her against the wall, her wall, their wall, the crusted pieces of dry paint fluttering to the ground beneath their fumbling. His hands grazed above the rough denim of her overalls feeling every curve he had come to know so well during their brief affair, brushing beneath the curve of her breast his hands reaching her face cradling it in his hands.
"Pace," she moaned breathlessly, her hands guiding over the contours of his back, the taught muscles strained from the sailboat race earlier that day. His lips trailed down her neck nipping at the long column tasting the fresh salt water ever present across her skin. His hands twisted and twirled through her silky hair, burying deeper and deeper in her dark main.
He pressed his knee between her legs lifting her higher against the wall his hands continuing to remember her, finding every inch he missed so dearly.
She pushed him away trying to speak through her labored breath, "Pacey," she whispered shaking her head. "I can't, we can't."
He frowned nodding his head his tongue dragging across his swollen lips, "I just," he sighed, "I just need to know this one thing."
Her round almond eyes met his, a mysterious clouded storm of deep blues and grays, "What?"
He smiled sadly swallowing thickly, "Do you love me?"
She shut her eyes tightly a milky tear trailing down her cheek, "I don't," she batted it away, "I don't know. It's just there's so much to—."
His small smirk didn't reach his eyes as he nodded his head again, "I understand." He said turning away from her, away from their wall and walking away.
Her eyes stayed on him watching him as he disappeared into the darkness of town. The future had become real, so real that it had scared her away back to her past, back to the only thing she had ever known. Looking back at the wall she wrapped her arms around her in the cool spring air staring at it for a long moment.
Reality was never her forte, she thought as she brushed her hand over the rough brick, but the fantasy of the past could keep her safe, happiness could be obtained some other way she decided as she picked up her art tools and walked away.
-July 2004