Against the Breeze

There was a swift summer breeze that pushed against her door as she forced it open, swinging her satin blue graduation robe over her shoulder as she stepped out onto the parking lot. The wind tangled and danced through her long chestnut locks and she forced them back behind her ears, stroking them still with her palm.

Graduation had been yesterday when she had twirled in the spray from the sprinklers and wished the classmates that she had so long resented the best of luck. Her eyes had scanned the crowd, once, twice, three times, but still he wasn't there. There were many rational excuses for his absence, flat tire, noble protest, malfunctioning alarm clock, but she knew where he was.

Just two mornings ago she had run into Dean Kubelik at the yacht club, he had offered her more condolence over her and Pacey's recent breakup, and Joey had inquired if there was any way he could find a loophole for Pacey's aid. His face had fallen, a frown etching his lips as he placed his hand on her shoulder, "Pacey agreed to tend my yacht this summer in the Caribbean just last night, the plane's leaving tomorrow morning."

Her lips parted and she felt embarrassed for not knowing. She knew he had been offered the job, but the thought of him actually taking it had never crossed her mind. "But perhaps after the summer if he's interested I can write him a recommendation and he can get into a nice school, I'm just not sure Worthington is the right one for him."

She smirked sadly, "Thank you Mister Kubelik," she said sadly. Once again she felt like a complete moron, thinking that a below average student with absolutely no community service or extra curricular activity to his name could be so easily accepted into a prestigious Ivy League college based on his charm and the mere will of his ex-girlfriend.

But he was gone now, and the sign that she so desperately searched for, the one that she reevaluated every night since he had humiliated her in front of the entire student body, every moment since he had broken her heart, was suddenly out of her grasp.

She was alone now, and the future was waiting. She couldn't avoid it anymore while she waited for him to come back.

Crossing the empty parking lot, only scattered with a few faculty members' cars, she adjusted her graduation robe on her shoulder before heading into the door. Most students kept their robes, but she failed to see the symbolic value in the itchy polyester and couldn't possibly imagine an occasion where she'd voluntarily wear it again. Another factor was paying for it, and although Dawson had graciously funded her college tuition, books and other living necessities wouldn't come so cheaply.

The halls were dark and hallow, her footsteps echoing as she stalked quickly through them, stopping briefly in the main office where three chatty secretaries sat huddled behind the stream of a rickety fan, gossiping intently on some irrelevant scandal that would be forgotten by tomorrow. Joey offered them a weak smile handing over her royal blue robe and pointy matching cap.

Through the empty halls again, she pushed open the main door immediately swept back in the heavy breeze. There was something different about Capeside High School now, a subtle difference that she hardly noticed. At first it had seemed a burden, but now walking away from the red brick building for the last time there was a strange sense of comfort and protection. It had taught her how to survive in the real world, and as she left the protective bubble, she wondered if she was ready.

A million memories flooded through her, her first day, Jen nagging her after biology, the uncomfortable tension that would always remain. She remembered kisses, kisses with Dawson, Jack, and Pacey, she smirked to herself, lots of kisses with Pacey. But those memories were behind her now, ones that she would hold close to her heart, memories that she would never let fade into the breeze.

The side door swung open and Miss Cassidy stepped out, securing her papers in her brief case before they blew away as she made her way down the short stoop. But Joey wasn't interested in her actions; it was the boy who stepped out behind her that caught her eye. He chased after a loose paper that she had dropped handing it to her carefully with a chuckle as he gestured animatedly with his words, shaking her hand one last time before she made her way to her car.

Joey gasped, working up the energy to call his name before his eyes met hers. Time stood still but the wind still whipped around them, hurling the world through the distance between them. He approached her slowly, shoving his hands into his pockets as he strode across the school lawn.

"Hey," he said with a weak smile.

Her lips tilted into a half smile, a twinkle flashing in her eyes, "Hey."

"I heard about graduation," he said after a long pause.

"Yeah," she tucked her hair behind her ear, "we missed you there."

He chuckled nervously, "I heard you gave a beautiful speech, of course before Drue's shinanigans."

She dropped her gaze speaking before she fully constructed her thoughts, "I was under the impression that you left, Pacey."

He nodded slowly swiping a hand through his hair, "I did, I actually did."

"Then why are you here?" She asked dumbly.

"Well I was on the tarmac when I realized that I wasn't getting my diploma until I made up this history test, so I had to rush back here to finish that up."

She narrowed her eyes, "And that's the only reason you came back?"

"Well I missed the blasted flight, there's no telling where the boat is now and I'd hate to have to swim through the Atlantic to find it."

"Pacey stop joking," she said sternly.

He sighed heavily, "Jo, let's not make this hard. So maybe it's best if you just forget that you saw me here and you can just pretend that I'm off sailing the open waters while I rot on Doug's couch this summer regretting how this all ended."

"Why didn't you go?" She repeated.

He frowned, "I couldn't, I couldn't run away, not with things like this, it was just the cowardly thing to do, and although I don't expect things to get better, I couldn't just leave and expect them to fix themselves while I was gone."

She could feel the tears, hot and heavy at the brims of her eyes, "I missed you," she whispered.

"I saw you two days ago."

A tear rolled down her cheek, "I thought you were gone, I didn't know if you were ever coming back, as far as I was concerned you were gone forever, that's a lot of missing to do."

"I'm sorry," he replied softly.

She shook her head, "And since I'm just talking to the wind I'm going to go," she said stubbornly stalking off towards the old Ford.

"Last year," he called after her, "Doug warned me that if I ever left you without saying goodbye, all I'd see was your face in the stars."

She froze refusing to look at him, yet still needing to hear what he had to say.

"Sure it's not the worst thing to be forced to look in the eye of Josephine Potter every night, in fact I've had the pleasure before. But the other night I stretched out on the docks just gazing at the stars and all I could see were your eyes at prom, and it killed me, it absolutely killed me." His voice softened, "I realized that three months on the sea staring back at those broken eyes as a constant reminder of what an insensitive jerk I am, really wasn't worth it."

"Well I'm glad you cleared your conscious," she muttered angrily, continuing to her truck.

"Joey, I'm sorry," he repeated catching her arm. "I should have said something to you about leaving, you deserved that much."

"You don't owe me anything Pacey," she bit back her lip, "not anymore."

His thumb brushed away one of her tears against his own will, "I know, but I obviously hurt you, and you deserved better then that."

She rolled her eyes backing away, "Why do you always assume I deserve better then everything you do? Pacey, I never needed anything more then you gave me."

"Then why did I always feel that you were disappointed?" He asked bowing his head.

"Because you were trying to create some utopian relationship that's impossible to sustain," she lifted his chin. "I was happy Pacey, it was you I was worried about."

He took a deep breath, "After we slept together, I knew you had lied to Dawson and I thought you were ashamed of what you had done, ashamed of being with me. And instead of addressing it like we so often did where Dawson was concerned I let it eat away at me, because it just reminded me that everyone in my life thought I was worthless, even my own girlfriend."

"Pacey," she murmured.

"And I let myself lash out on you," he spoke over her, "I let all that anger build up, and I sat by quietly as you took his money for college and it just reminded me that I couldn't give that to you but he could, and that just made me feel worse. And that's why I said what I said at prom, I directed all the anger I felt over the lie and the money and all the inferiority I had always felt from my family my entire life at you." He paused, "But then I took that all away after the party and the truth is, the demise of our relationship wasn't all of my fault. I mean it was my fault for letting my insecurities get the best of me but you should know that you hurt me too, more then you could ever know."

"I'm sorry," she said softly, "I know I never said it enough when it mattered, but I truly am sorry Pacey, because as much as you refuse to believe, I was never good enough for you. "

He choked back a whimper and pulled her body close to his, wrapping his arms tightly around her frame, "How could that be when it was only you I ever wanted."

She cried freely now burying her face in his chest, her hands touching him carefully making sure he was real before they grasped his waist.

Pacey released her studying her face, caught in her shimmering silver eyes. He cupped her cheek, running the rough pad of his thumb across the slick trail of tears. "I missed you Pacey," she repeated.

His eyes slid shut and he pressed his forehead against hers, desperate for breath, "I was wrong," he muttered, "I can't just erase you from my life, Jo, I can't live it without you as desperate as that sounds. I want to be able to be your friend again."

She licked her dry lips before pressing them together tightly, meeting his eyes, "I don't want to be your friend, Pace."

"What?" He asked confused.

"I lost you once, and I don't plan on doing it again," she said desperately. Joey leaned forward, pressing her lips against his, her hands snaking around his neck waiting for his response.

He stayed still for a long moment, knowing that he should pull away, knowing that they were still too fragile to resuscitate their broken relationship, but his heart told him otherwise.

Tipping her head back he took control, parting her lips before slipping his tongue into her mouth, delving deeply as he released his built up passion for her. He pressed her against the door of the pale blue Ford, their hands exploring, desperately searching for curves they already knew.

Joey pushed up his shirt, scraping her nails against his chest, needing to feel his heated flesh beneath her fingers. He groaned in response, pinning her harder against the door, nearly ripping her shirt from her body as he rode it higher up her body.

She reached behind them pulling open the door before they fell back against the front bench, their feet still dangling in the parking lot as heated kisses continued between them.

"I need you, Pacey," she moaned pulling his shirt from his head, her hips instinctively thrusting up to meet his.

He ripped his lips away, his breath ragged, his eyes quivering with confusion. He tugged off her shirt, his lips dropping just above the waist of her jeans, his tongue dipping into her navel before trailing up her stomach. He came to the valley of her breast, one hand cupping the soft mound through her bra, his nose brushing away the lace from the other as his teeth caught her erect nipple sucking it roughly.

She gasped arching her back to him, her fingers tangling in his hair, her labored breath begging for more. His tongue swirled, his lips suckled, his hands stroked, he gave her everything he could give her.

She pulled his mouth back to hers, kissing him tentatively as she unbuckled his jeans pushing them farther down his hips and stroking his erection through his boxers. He shuddered adjusting his weight above her as she cupped him in her hand, her tongue catching his moan before he could fully elicit it.

He broke away again, their heavy breath creating a shaky rhythm blending with the whistle of the wind. She took initiative reaching between them to unbutton her jeans, arching up her hips to slide them down with her panties before her eyes met his expectantly.

His lips curled with a small smile as he saw something he hadn't seen before, something that he was too oblivious to notice. There was always something that only he could give her, the only thing she had ever wanted, his love for her. He brushed away her damp hair, running his fingers along her glossy cheek, "I love you," he whispered, his lips lingering over hers only a breath away.

Her eyes shined brightly below the summer sun, a large grin tugging her lips, "I love you too Pacey."

"And that's all we needed, wasn't it?" He continued his voice curious. "No boats, or walls, or lodges, or proms, just that, huh?"

"Just that," she agreed meeting his lips.

He pulled out the condom, buried himself inside of her, pounded into her against the bench of the old pale blue Ford. He remembered seeing her naked here before, in the rearview mirror by the creek three long years ago, he had admired her then but he could appreciate it now. The shallow rise and fall of her breast, the way her hair fanned out on the bench slicked back by the thin layer of perspiration, her limber fingers running all over his bronzed skin.

It sent him over the edge, lost in her like he always had been. They moved together, slick bodies sliding in a desperate passion to hold on to what they had, not realizing that it wasn't leaving them anytime soon. She met every thrust, his name rolling off her tongue over and over again until they were both long gone, left in a melted heap.

She kept her hands on him, sure that he wouldn't leave, "What's going to happen to us now?"

He frowned, "We're not talking about this future again are we?"

"It's bound to come up, you can never avoid it, no matter how hard you try."

"How is it any different from the here and now?" He asked nuzzling his face in her neck.

She smirked, "Very different, I can only imagine."

"Well you're still going to be in Boston aren't you?"

"Yes," she nodded furrowing her brows. "But you'll be here, in Capeside, a world away."

He grinned, catching the lobe of her ear with his teeth, "No, I'll be wherever you are."

"And how do you plan on getting there?"

"I got that sign we were looking for," he whispered in her ear.

She pulled his face back to look at him, "How so?"

"I talked to Dean Kubelik, he's going to talk with admissions over at Boston Bay about a very promising student he feels would be an excellent educator with his dazzling charm and charisma if only motivated by a fine higher education."

"I," her smile widened as she ran her fingers through his chopped brown hair, "I don't know what to say."

"Well I wouldn't call this a chatting moment," he said kissing her again before pulling away, "because there are still three cars in this parking lot and my ass is definitely hanging out the window."

She laughed, for the first time in what seemed like forever, she laughed, "How romantic."

"We both know my charm is futile."

"It is, isn't it?" She asked pulling on her shirt.

"Afraid so."

"Then why is it that I love you?"

"Couldn't tell you, it's your own delusions," he said buttoning up his jeans as he slid into the driver's seat.

"Another one of life's mysteries lost in the breeze."

He grinned, "I guess we'll have to go find it then."

-August 2004

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